Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
