I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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