I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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