I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
