im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
