anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize