No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
