watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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