I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize