i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
