On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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