i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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