How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
birth control should be required to get into college
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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