I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
