So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
