Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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