There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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