I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
