I faked an abortion last night.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Randomize