Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
