On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
