Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
