He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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