Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it because I queefed?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
