Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
