Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
