Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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