hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
