dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
