So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
