I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
