you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
