On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
