he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We have started to decorate penises.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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