My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize