Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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