they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
