Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
