i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
