heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I will be naked everywhere
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
