Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
