He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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