we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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