Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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