he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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