I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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