Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
