uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
