the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
