insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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