she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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