dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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