help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
