yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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