She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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