And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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