Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
