I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
