there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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