My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
