It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
